Does Your Daughter Have DadHair?

It’s pretty common for folks to send me “review copies (aka samples) of fathering books. Many are self-published or published by very tiny presses. I’m an author and editor myself, so I’m pretty picky (judgmental?) when it comes to fathering books like this and it’s rare to get one that I’d recommend.

Recently, I was (pleasantly) shocked to get a book that is simultaneously a small-press project (or even self-published; it’s hard to tell), incredibly useful, laugh-out-loud funny, and rooted in understanding about the importance of dad-daughter connection.

It’s called Does Your Daughter Have DADHAIR? A step-by-step guide for Dadsby Craig Lawrey.

DYDHDH has great humor, clever design and a couple of girls who seem incredibly eager to poke fun at Craig by being photographed in truly horrific hairstyles. Fortunately, the girls are also willing to be photographed as a dad (Craig, I assume) demonstrates how to master untangling hair, the bun, the princess loopy loop, the braid and other basic hair moves.

At the same time, Craig’s book also reminds us that it’s OK to be imperfect as a dad and that, when it comes to parenting, “the true joy comes from helping them along on their journey” rather than fretting about their destination.

This is a very funny book that ought to be in the bookshelf, bathroom, or toolbox of every father who has a daughter over age 2. Check out Craig’s site & blog @ www.DadHair.com.

Dads & Daughters® Tips for Halloween

I know most costumes are already done, but some folks asked me to post this so they could access it. Enjoy!

The search for Halloween costumes can be treacherous, filled with over-sexed and stereotyped "choices." These healthy ideas from Drs. Lyn Mikel Brown and Sharon Lamb (authors of Packaging Girlhood: Rescuing Our Daughters from Marketers' Schemes) help Dads fight back and let her creativity sparkle! (Use these tips with your sons, too--kids' resiliency grows if they don't get stuck in arbitrary gender roles.)

1. Help her think outside the box (especially boxes of store-bought costumes). Imagination and creativity can help girls break out of gender stereotypes...and are great practice for reality.

2.  Encourage her to be anyone or anything for Halloween--and the rest of her life. Help her to be inspired by real women doing wild, brave and phenomenal things.

3. Listen to her ideas and encourage all the possibilities. She is bombarded with pink princesses, sexy divas and pop stars, but don't assume anything-let her costume choice surprise you!

4. Discuss and work on Halloween costumes together. It's a great learning and bonding experience. Help her recall the best costumes she ever saw, and share some favorites from your childhood.

5. Add her own twist to pink and glitter, and have her character DO something. Help her imagine a feisty fairy taking on the evil dragon, a butterfly that saves the insect world, or a queen who fights for her country with sheath and sword. She can be a glittered firefighter, or even a sparkly skeleton!

6. Sit down and let your daughter create her own character and story. She can raid the family closets or dress up box to become the wildest or coolest character ever!

7. Tap her love for scary stories and the history of Halloween; help her go "traditional" and be a witch, Frankenstein, or a ghost. Avoid those sexy diva witch costumes; use your own imagination to create the scary, ugly, and awful look.

8. Draw on her favorite book or character. Reread the book with her to plan what she'll need to "be" Anne of Green Gables, Dorothy of Oz, or Hermione Granger. And don't rule out boy characters: Dracula, Harry Potter, or even Dumbledore!

9. Is your daughter an athlete or history buff? Halloween is a chance to become Lorena Ochoa, Mia Hamm, Danica Patrick, Sheryl Swoopes, Se Ri Pak, Rosa Parks, Amelia Earhart, Joan of Arc, Harriet Tubman, Sally Ride, Golda Meir-the list is endless (and can include males)! Her Jane Goodall can carry a stuffed gorilla; her Van Gogh can wear a bandage on his ear-once you start brainstorming, ideas will flood in.

10. Halloween is all about being what you aren't...help her stretch her imagination. Teach her that it's false advertising when stores label cowpoke, police officer and firefighter costumes as "for boys." (Then introduce her to the female police officers and fire fighters in your community!) Halloween is a day of imagination-a perfect opportunity to show her that she can be anyone, any profession, any role.

Learn more about healthy fathering @  www.TheDadMan.com.

Making a Difference-Preventing Violence

    

As fathers and stepfathers of daughters, we realize our unique  responsibility to assist in the primary prevention of sexual and domestic violence. But too many men don’t think we have a role.

That’s why I’d like you to join me at the “Men Can Make A Difference” conference October 2nd ad 3rd At Cragun’s Resort outside Brainerd, Minnesota. I’ll be conducting two workshops there and the featured speakers include Tony Porter (left) Co-Founder of A Call to Men and Robert Jensen (right), the University of Texas professor who does so much to show pornography’s devastating role in defining masculinity.

Learn more and register at www.menaspeacemakers.org/programs/mnman/conference.

I hope to see you there.

Dads, Daughters and School

School is starting up again around the country—a good time to remind ourselves how much impact dads & stepdads have on our daughters’ academic success.

A father has a direct impact when he is vocal with his attention to his daughter's academic and extra-curricular activities. Even when our involvement is as simple as asking our daughters about their schoolwork, she’s better off. Imagine the effect on the world if even a few more fathers got more engaged in our daughter’s lives and schooling.

I love doing her science projects with her, and encouraging her to think about doing things on the computer. We’ve been doing a project on how and why siphoning works. She had to come up with a hypothesis, and she didn’t quite understand what a hypothesis was. So we talked about it. “It’s a guess, it’s an educated guess. What do you think will happen, and why does it work?” “The air pushes the water.” ‘Okay, let’s go prove it, or disprove it. And then you revise it.” We have fun doing those kinds of projects. I absolutely enjoy science, and that’s a lot of fun, partially because I get to show off a little bit, too. -- Jerry

It feels good to show off what we know to our kids. When our daughters see us excited and proud about our knowledge and skills (no matter what they are), their own excitement and pride in learning is affirmed. Whether fathers share knowledge we gained from work or hobbies, they seem to have a special ability to spark interest in daughters. This helps girls learn that they can handle the knowledge and skills needed to be an adult with responsibilities, careers and hobbies.

Real Men Have Daughters

Raising a daughter is unmapped territory for a father. But it’s territory where there’s no use for running away or stomping angrily around in circles. In daughter territory, we learn that we lose none of our true masculinity when our daughters draw out our “feminine side."

When my daughter Nia, after eleven years of training, danced a lead part in a ballet, I sat in the darkened auditorium feeling chills, my eyes filling with tears. I was choked up with love, pride and awe at her amazing passion, emotion and determination. My own emotions rolled over and welled up within me, catching me by surprise. After all, I'd proudly observed other displays of Nia’s talents and I knew I was going to feel proud watching her that night.

But the intensity and suddenness of my tears was, at first, disturbing. As a man, I’m used to having greater control over my emotions. But as the power of the moment continued, I realized that these new feelings were exactly what I wanted to feel as Nia’s father. She drew those emotions out of me, and that brought me closer to her. Being a father means being a man, and being a father means tapping deep and sometimes unfamiliar springs of feeling and experience.

That’s very hard for some fathers to admit. Emotional expression feels threatening to many men, but for my money, “real men” are the guys who see this kind of ongoing, intimate involvement in fathering as a badge of honor.

Tall Tales Cast a Long Shadow

Everybody loves a good tale, whether it’s tall or very, very short. Creating and writing stories together is great fun and can tap into your best inventive, inspired imagination! Plus, story-telling is an activity that grows with your daughter—you can make up stories together, no matter how old she is. As the years pass, the tales tend to get longer and more interesting—and no less fun. Below one simple way to start.

Pick a topic, any topic. Then simply start telling a story about it. After about a minute of riffing on the story, turn it over to your daughter and listen closely to where she takes the characters and plot. After another minute, she tosses the story back to you, and back and forth you go, wherever your joint imaginations and the characters lead you.

Keep in mind that the first few times you do this activity, it may seem a little flat. And the first few exchanges in any particular story may (or may not) be a little flat. Don’t sweat it or think you’re failing. Instead, think of these initial efforts as first drafts. Most “real” writers hardly ever use first drafts—we do first drafts to get the pump primed and the juices flowing.

When our daughters were ten, we drove from Northern Minnesota to Disney World and back, with some detours to visit relatives, friends, and historic sites in Atlanta. That trip was the first time the girls ever saw a Waffle House restaurant, and they were fascinated—because they loved waffles. So when we started making up a fairy tale in the car, it became known as “The Waffle Story,” starring Ann Tellet (a work colleague of my wife’s who took a real shine to the kids), who solved mysteries and went on adventures. Her biggest adventure was into the world of dinettes. Why? Because we drove past a store that was called (really!) “The World of Dinettes.”

My point is, there is nothing too silly, illogical, spontaneous, or tangential to include in a talking story riff. Run with it as long as it feels like you’re both still being creative and stimulated. Just stay in touch with your three Is: inventive, inspired imagination. Long road trips are a great time to trot this activity out. You may have so much fun, that you and your daughters will remember that story decades later!

Learn more @ www.TheDadMan.com

Dads & Daughters® Tips for Easing The Back-to-School Transition

The start of the new school year can be a nerve-wracking time for our daughters and step daughters. Here are 10 tips to help smooth the way.

1. Listen to what’s happening. If she’s stressed or upset about cliques, teams, new subjects, or anything else—give her your attention. Provide her time to get things out and do some processing before jumping in with judgments or suggestions.

2. Help her keep perspective. Gently remind her that there are more important things than who’s wearing what, or who is going out with whom. Let her know (in word and deed) that you love her for who she is, no matter what.

3. Set the stage. Ask your daughter what a successful school year would look like for her—friends, sports, activities, dating—and then have her tell you about how important each goal is to her and if she thinks each one is realistic.  It’s OK to discuss your expectations regarding grades, but remember the important lessons learned outside the classroom and all the pressures which face our kids today.

4. Nurture your special father- daughter bond. Go out for ice cream, go swimming, shoot hoops, or do something you know she loves. The beginning of school is a great time to begin a new tradition. How about a lunch date the last Saturday of every month?

5. Let her cope and experiment. School can be a great place for her to learn important personal and interpersonal skills which will serve her later in life. Don’t rush in to solve every problem – listen. But never back down where her personal safety is concerned.

6. Walk a mile in her shoes. Try to imagine what she’s experiencing and what it means to her. Your understanding and empathy can help her make it through her own trials.

7. Celebrate success. We dads sometimes tend to focus more on what’s not going right than we do on what is going well. Be sure to let her know how proud you are of her talents and accomplishments—even if they are not readily recognized by others.

8. Be her hero. Stay always mindful of her unique spirit and give her your loyalty, kindness, acceptance, respect, and support. Your influence in her life is unique, so make it as positive as possible.

9. Tell stories about yourself. Many things have changed since you were a kid, but most of the important stuff is still the same. Share your own youthful struggles with staying true to yourself, your values, and your friends. Don’t make every story into a lecture, and be sure to admit your mistakes—they can teach her a lot (starting with humility)!

10. Honor her interests. Even if her passion isn’t your first choice for fun, be there for her, let her teach you about her interests, and learn why she’s passionate about them. Your validation is a huge help to her.

To learn more about healthy fathering, visit www.TheDadMan.com.

These tips may be used for educational purposes if reproduced unaltered, in their entirety, with the following: ©Joe Kelly; All rights reserved. www.TheDadMan.com.