Fathers Day & Birth Days

I like Fathers Day because I get good cards & messages from my kids and because I get to go out to eat. As a long-time advocate for fathers & stepfathers,  I also like that folks spend at least a few moments thinking about involved fatherhood and its meaning.

No single experience transformed me as a human being more than the experience of being a father to my children. Taking the chance to be an at-home dad for some of their childhood, I felt the immediacy of that visceral, spiritual connection between father and child—a connection that continues 30 years later.

My kids are grown now, but that fact hasn’t changed some things. They are still important to me, and vice versa—although in different and continually evolving ways. I’ve also been blessed over the years to hear stories from thousands of fathers and kids, as a teacher and advocate for engaged fathering and stepfathering.

All of those stories and experiences renforce my measure of “engagement” for fathers: as a Dad, am I committing  the same level of intensity as I did the day my child was born? The day of wonder and mystery and legacy when I first held my child in my hands?

So, there’s a Fathers Day wish: may every day as a dad bring you as much experience as possible of the intensity and wonder and commitment of fathering.

Father's Day Fill In the Blanks

This Fathers Day, take a step beyond honoring dad with a card or gift. Set aside a few moments to learn something more about your own father, stepfather, father-in-law...and learn about yourself as a father. Fill in the blanks in the 10 statements below and then share them with your dad--and your kids.

If your father or stepfather is gone, show you answers to your spouse, partner, siblings, and/or other loved ones. (Thanks to Gary Burns & his daughters, creators of The Communications Game, for help with this list)

What I admire most about my father is ____. I say that because ____.

I really want my father to know ______. I say that because ______.

The time I felt most loved in my life was when ______. I say that because ______.

I wish my father and I had more time or ability to ___________ together. I say that because ______.

My greatest joy in life today is _______. I say that because ______. What is your greatest joy, Dad?

My greatest satisfaction in life today is _______. I say that because ______. What is your greatest satisfaction, Dad?

What I value most in a friend is _______. I say that because ______.

For me, loyalty means _________. I say that because ________.

Of all the people who died before I was born, I would most like to visit with ______. I say that because ________.

The thing I will remember most about my father is _________. I say that because ________.

Making a Difference-Preventing Violence

    

As fathers and stepfathers of daughters, we realize our unique  responsibility to assist in the primary prevention of sexual and domestic violence. But too many men don’t think we have a role.

That’s why I’d like you to join me at the “Men Can Make A Difference” conference October 2nd ad 3rd At Cragun’s Resort outside Brainerd, Minnesota. I’ll be conducting two workshops there and the featured speakers include Tony Porter (left) Co-Founder of A Call to Men and Robert Jensen (right), the University of Texas professor who does so much to show pornography’s devastating role in defining masculinity.

Learn more and register at www.menaspeacemakers.org/programs/mnman/conference.

I hope to see you there.

Dads, Daughters and School

School is starting up again around the country—a good time to remind ourselves how much impact dads & stepdads have on our daughters’ academic success.

A father has a direct impact when he is vocal with his attention to his daughter's academic and extra-curricular activities. Even when our involvement is as simple as asking our daughters about their schoolwork, she’s better off. Imagine the effect on the world if even a few more fathers got more engaged in our daughter’s lives and schooling.

I love doing her science projects with her, and encouraging her to think about doing things on the computer. We’ve been doing a project on how and why siphoning works. She had to come up with a hypothesis, and she didn’t quite understand what a hypothesis was. So we talked about it. “It’s a guess, it’s an educated guess. What do you think will happen, and why does it work?” “The air pushes the water.” ‘Okay, let’s go prove it, or disprove it. And then you revise it.” We have fun doing those kinds of projects. I absolutely enjoy science, and that’s a lot of fun, partially because I get to show off a little bit, too. -- Jerry

It feels good to show off what we know to our kids. When our daughters see us excited and proud about our knowledge and skills (no matter what they are), their own excitement and pride in learning is affirmed. Whether fathers share knowledge we gained from work or hobbies, they seem to have a special ability to spark interest in daughters. This helps girls learn that they can handle the knowledge and skills needed to be an adult with responsibilities, careers and hobbies.

10 Questions for a Dad to Ask His Daughter

It’s completely normal for dads and stepdads to struggle sometimes, especially when it comes to having “meaningful” conversations with  our daughters. Fortunately, summer offers a few more opportunities for a serious chat. Here are 10 questions to get a conversation started. Feel free to add questions of your own, and don’t feel like you have to use them all up in one sitting!

1. When are you the happiest in your life? Tell me more about that.
2. When are you the most proud of yourself? The most satisfied? Tell me more about that.
3. What do you wish we had more ability or time to do together? Tell me more about that.
4. What do you wish you had more ability or time to do for yourself? Tell me more about that.
5. What do you wish I had more ability or time to do for myself? Tell me more about that.
6. What is your biggest complaint about me? Tell me more about that.
7. What is your favorite thing about our relationship? Tell me more about that.
8. What’s the most important thing that you think we should be talking about that we haven’t been talking about—or else are not talking about enough? Tell me more about that.
9. If you could stop doing something right now, what would it be? Tell me more about that.
10. If you could start doing something right now, what would it be? Tell me more about that.

Adapted from The Dads & Daughters Togetherness Guide: 54 Fun Activities to Help Build a Great Relationship' target=_blank>The Dads & Daughters Togetherness Guide: 54 Fun Activities to Help Build a Great Relationship' target=_blank>The Dads & Daughters Togetherness Guide: 54 Fun Activities to Help Build a Great Relationship . Learn more at TheDadMan.com.

Divorced Dads as Teachers

I am a divorced father who shares all the responsibilities for raising my two daughters with my ex-wife. The relationship between LEW (lovely ex wife) and I is much better now that we are divorced. We could not live together. It is much healthier for both my daughters as well.

-  Sam

When I hear a live-away dad talk about building relationships with his ex and his children, I’m always struck by how relevant his words are for me, a man who lived with his children in an “intact” family. Maybe that’s because so many of the issues are the same for both of us. What are the most important things to do for our kids when we don’t live with them anymore?

* Support her close relationship with all of her parents and stepparents.

* Don’t play her off against her mother (or stepparents).

* Communicate with her mother (or stepparents).

* The more you stay involved in child-rearing, the better off every family member is.

* Give her loving support, clear limits and regular routine.

* Remember, girls learn how to relate to men from their fathers. That means you.

I’m not divorced, but all of these concepts are crucial for me, too, as a live-with father.

It may be that live-away dads and stepfathers are our best teachers because these are the men most likely to say something. It’s awfully hard to learn from or listen to dads if no one is speaking. Stepdads and live-away dads are much more likely to talk with one another about their situations. It’s as if we fathers have to go through great crisis and difficulty before we’ll let down our “pride” and unlock our tongue to talk to another dad about being a dad.

A Fathers Day Challenge

More than 40 fathering organizations are making a statement this Father's Day—the 100th Anniversary of Father's Day. I'm behind this idea as a way to make visible the huge number of dads and stepdads deeply committed to our kids.

We're enlisting 1,000,000 dads to make a public commitment to their children. We want our kids to know that together, all of us dads are working for a more promising future for them, and we're committing ourselves to make that happen by living the five points of the 2009 Father's Day Commitment:

• I will love my children
• I will coach my children.
• I will model for my children.
• I will encourage other children.
• I will enlist other dads to make and live the 2009 Father's Day Commitment.

We have less than a month until Father's Day. Will you help us reach 1,000,000 dads by making your commitment at www.fathers.com/rally and then forwarding this blog to every dad you know?

You can use Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter and every other method of social networking, too. Just direct folks to www.fathers.com/rally to make their commitment and to learn how to begin fulfilling it.

On that same page, you can also learn how to upload a commitment counter to your webpage or blog, or the website of your company, organization or faith community. That way you can direct your recruits to your own website and keep track of how many dads you have enlisted. You can (if you;re into this sort of thing) even challenge someone else in your community and see who can enlist the most dads. Go for it.

Tips for Dads to Promote Girls' Sports

Why should your daughter or stepdaughter participate in sports? To be more healthy (in mind and body), feel better about herself, learn new skills, stay off alcohol and drugs, defer sexual activity, and, oh yeah, TO HAVE FUN! Sadly, some people worry that girls are too delicate, unskilled, or inadequate to play sports. To which the smart father and stepfather reply: "Baloney." Here are some tips to help you provide the kind of support your girl needs. 1. MAKE SPORTS FUN FROM AN EARLY AGE. Keep a relaxed approach when she's young. For example, have athletic-theme parties, like pizza and kickball.
2. DEMONSTRATE INTEREST IN HER ATHLETIC ACTIVITIES. Attend her games and other extracurricular activities. If you live away from your daughter, be sure to talk with her after every game to hear how it went.
3. GO TO THE GAMES TO CHEER. You can cheer hard for your girl, and then cheer for everyone who is playing. Every kid (and parent) should remember why they call it "playing" a "game."
4. LEAVE COACHING TO THE COACHES. Tina Syer of the Positive Coaching Alliance says, "You're there to fill the kids' emotional tanks and make sure they bounce back from mistakes, not to tweak their throwing motion or tell them where to be on the field." Be smart about choosing coaches tuned in to her age and skill level. If there's a lack of adequate coaches, sign up to volunteer!
5. BE A MODEL FAN. Think about what you would look like on the sidelines if someone were videotaping you instead of the game. Be sure you (and your daughter) would be proud of what you'd see.
6. ASK, "WHAT DO WE EACH HOPE TO GET FROM THE EXPERIENCE?" Then tell her what you hope she gets. If you don't talk (and listen), she may assume all you care about is a winning record or how good her stats are. Make sure she knows you want sports to be a fun way to make friends, test herself, be healthy, and feel good about herself. 7. LET HER PLAY WITH BOYS. In Raising Our Athletic Daughters: How Sports Can Build Self-Esteem And Save Girls' Lives, authors Jean Zimmerman and Gil Reavill suggest utilizing coed or single-sex programs according to your daughter's comfort level and what will contribute most to her learning and growth.
8. HELP HER USE "MISTAKES" PRODUCTIVELY. When she messes up, she'll look to you first. So illustrate how to put mistakes in perspective by 1) showing her how to let go of them & 2) encouraging (not demanding or requiring) her to use mistakes as motivation to improve her skills.
9. MAKE SURE GIRLS & BOYS HAVE EQUAL SPORTS OPPORTUNITIES. Support Title IX and encourage school and other sports programs to be aware of and promptly address inequities in opportunities and resources.
10. KEEP A RELAXED, FUN APPROACH. Team sports teach girls how to be self-reliant while also working collaboratively to be competitive. If she loses interest in sports, you and she can still be physically active together--and there are plenty of other ways to relate and have fun as a Dad-Daughter team. Learn more about healthy fathering @ www.TheDadMan.com.

Answering "Where Do Babies Come From?"

I just heard from the dad of a 6 year old daughter who was interested in knowing where babies come from. He says that his wife decided that, since her parents never told her anything, she would be honest with the girl:

Mom did not give her the mechanics of how a baby is created. Instead, when my daughter asked how a baby was made, she said that she is too young to know and that she would tell her later. So, what is the big deal?
Well, my neighbor had to break up an incident where my daughter was telling his daughter where babies come from. He said that his daughter was on her back with her legs spread (clothes on) and my daughter was kinda in the position of being a doctor. There was no touching, just pretending to give birth with a baby doll.
I was and still am not sure how to really handle this. I told my daughter that "Some parents do not want their children to know where babies come from and that it is not your job to tell them. The only person you can pretend with and discuss babies is your mother."
My daughter is such a sweet girl and doesn't appear to be "sick" in the least. I think she is fascinated by knowing that babies are in the bellies of the mom. I am concerned that she will do it again as she is passively hardheaded.
Did I say the right thing? Should I have said something else? What if it happens again? Any thoughts?

My thoughts are that he responded very wisely to his daughter. Her behavior, as described, indicates normal, healthy curiosity. He told her that other families have different ways of handling things like this--just as they do with stuff like how much TV or ice cream their kids can have.

What are your thoughts?

The Respect You Give

You’ve been reading a lot lately about my take on the most productive stance a divorced or live-away dad can take in terms of keeping strong bonds with his kids.

Many common problems during “visitation” (boy, do I hate that word; kids don’t “visit” their parents) occur the transition time when the child moves from one parent’s house to the other’s. Divorced dads often tell me that the mother will call to say that she misses the child, especially when the child has just arrived or has just spent the first day with her Dad. A wise dad named Chris had these reflections on that issue:

I had equal visitation, as long as I sent my check. My ex did that same thing not as a game, but out of her own insecurity. My kids responded initially as wanting to protect their mother. After a relatively short while, they got tired of having to “take care of her.” Especially when Dad offered a more sane alternative.
I didn't say “I miss you.” I kept it positive, and said "I'm looking forward to seeing you again on such and such day". I never used that to buy them, as much as to show them that I valued my time with them and allowed them to value their time with their mother without 'guilt'.
My kids got it pretty quick. Four daughters. My youngest, twins, just moved into their own house-dorm- as they prepare for college in the fall. So now I’m experiencing empty nest. But I have a real connection with them, and a great respectful relationship with them. Last week, one of my youngest got terribly ill, mono, and came to my home to get taken care of. She had no question of where she would get the caretaking she needed.
They scarcely want to talk to their needy mom, though do out of respect. Your children will decide what relationship you all will have with them based upon the respect you give them REGARDLESS of what the other spouse is doing.

What are your thoughts and experiences about Chris’ central point: “Your children will decide what relationship you all will have with them based upon the respect you give them REGARDLESS of what the other spouse is doing”? Share them with us in the comments below.

"12 Tips for Live-Away Dads" Nos. 7-12

My last post included the first half of my "12 Tips for Live-Away Dads." Here is the second half-dozen suggestions or dads who are divorced, deployed, travel frequently, or have some other reason they live away from their children for long periods.

Some very dedicated, experienced divorced dads helped me put these tips together, especially Bill Klatte, author of the fabulous Live-away Dads: Staying a Part of Your Children's Lives When They Aren't a Part of Your Home. (NOTE: pronouns alternate between daughter and son, because the tips are meant for dads & stepdads of both).

CO-PARENT WITH MOM. If possible, I communicate openly with her mom. As our child grows up, it's incredibly valuable to have her other parent's perspective. We do our best to work with each other (and our partners/her stepparents) for our child's well-being. When I share my concerns and joys about our child with her mom (and vice versa), she gets our best and most informed parenting.

MY CHILD AND HER MOTHER ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE. I won't misdirect any anger at my child's mother toward my child. When my child doesn't listen, does less than her best or makes other mistakes (normal kid behaviors), I won't confuse her mistakes with her mom's actions. Instead, I'll remember that mistakes are great teachers, and do what I can do to make things better.

LISTEN TO MY CHILD. Lecturing and arguing get me nowhere. I can't help my child if I minimize his feelings or tell him everything will be okay when I can't guarantee that it will. Instead, I listen and am there for him. I accept my child for who he is; not who I want him to be, think he should be, or think he would be if he were raised only by me. I take the lead in communicating -- even when I feel unappreciated. I may not agree with everything he says or does, but when I listen, I build the emotional connection that will help him listen to me when it really counts.

FOCUS ON MY CHILD'S POSITIVES. I don't father by always pointing out what my child did wrong, so she can fix it. That may work on the job, but not with my children. Focusing on negatives undermines her strength and confidence-already stretched by living in two homes.

MANAGE EXPECTATIONS WISELY. My child has different rules and expectations in his mother's house. I am patient with his responses to those differences, while remaining clear about my expectations for our home. I try not to compensate for our family situation by giving in to demands that I spoil my child or lessen my expectations just because he is a child of divorce. I remember that an honest, solid and lifelong relationship with him is more important than what happens today.

BE THE FATHER, NOT THE MOTHER. I am a powerful and encouraging role model, and I tell her she has a special place in my heart. My masculine actions and loving words help her realize that she too can be adventurous, playful and successful - and should expect respect from affectionate, honorable men. My belief in her will help her blossom into a young woman who can make me and her mother proud.

Learn more about healthy fathering @ www.TheDadMan.com.

"12 Tips for Live-Away Dads" Nos. 1-6

Whether through divorce, deployment or frequent travel, some dads live away from their children for long periods. Despite what we may think (or others may tell us) living away does NOT prevent a vibrant, loving and lasting relationship. For several years, I've offered some ideas for how to keep the connection strong--ideas that were developed with the help of several very wise & brave divorced dads.

I get grief about these tips sometimes--a topic I'll address in a future post. Meantime, here are the first six of my "12 Tips for Live-Away Dads." (pronouns alternate between daughter and son, because the tips are meant for dads & stepdads of both).

HANG IN THERE FOR THE LONG HAUL. Living away is tough. So is raising a child from two different homes. My involvement in my child's life may be different than my dreams for the two of us when he was little, but it is no less important. I meet my responsibilities, including child support, without resentment. Both his mom and I remain tremendous influences in his life. I stay calm, committed, loving and loyal toward him-and do what I can to help his mom do the same. If abuse or abandonment happen, my child needs me to protect him, but he also needs to make peace in his life with that relationship.

ENCOURAGE HER BOND WITH MOM. My child's relationship with her mom is different than her relationship with me. My child needs to participate fully in it, even when that's hard for me (or her). I encourage communication between her and her mom, recognizing that I'm not responsible for their relationship. If my child is more comfortable talking about certain things with her mom than me, I respect and encourage that.

DEVELOP HEALTHY SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL SUPPORTS FOR MYSELF. It's normal to struggle sometimes with anger, loneliness and other difficult emotions. But I'm careful not to work those feelings out through my child. I meet my adult emotional and social needs maturely with healthy adults.

REMEMBER THAT MY CHILD LIVES IN TWO HOMES. The hours before he leaves my home and after he returns are a time of adjustment (and sometimes grieving) for him. I respect that he may or may not want to talk right away about his time with his mom; I let his take the lead. I don't pry for information or play down his feelings. He may sometimes be upset or moody when he leaves my home or his mom's, sad that he has to leave either of us "behind."

FATHER THE BEST I CAN WHEN MY CHILD IS WITH ME. I can't change how her other parents raise her or make up for what they do or don't do, so I focus on what I can control: my own actions. I'm not judgmental about their parenting because no one (including me) is a perfect parent. I trust that her mother and I are each trying our best. I parent her calmly; give her choices; have clear expectations; show affection, patience, love and trust--without demanding perfection. I encourage her to communicate with and trust both of her parents, even (maybe especially) when she makes mistakes. I give her healthy attention when she's with me and when she's away (using phone, Internet, mail, etc.).

DON'T TRASH MOM. In word and gesture, I speak well about my child's mother even when I'm angry at her -- and even if she speaks poorly about me. If I have trouble speaking well, I will wisely say little. Negative talk about my child's mom is a little wound to my child, causing him to think less of himself, his mom and me. Trashing his mom or step-parents through words or gestures (in public or at home) humiliates my child and damages my family. No matter the circumstances of our divorce, I respect that his mother's new family is now part of my child's family. I'll keep my child out of the middle, even if others don't, and I'll resolve adult conflicts away from him so he can be the child.

What About Adult Daughters & Dads?

Fairly regularly, adult women ask me for advice on what to do about their strained (or non-existent) relationships with their won fathers. That’s a tough question for me, since my focus is on the father side of the equation—and aimed at helping dads build strong relationships when their daughters are young….so their daughter will never have to ask this question.

Fortunately, I’m able to tell adult women about an insightful book designed for adult daughters who want more from their relationship with their dads (it's also a great resource for dads of adult daughters and for for professionals who work with families). It’s called Between Fathers and Daughters: Enriching and Rebuilding Your Adult Relationship by Dr. Linda Nielsen of Wake Forest University, where she teaches the country’s only college course on father-daughter relationships. It’s fascinating to read, yet also has Linda’s no-nonsense, concrete strategies for improving the relationships between adult women and their dads and stepdads.

It’s rather baffling (or pathetic?) that there is only one college course on dad-daughter relationships, so little research on the topic, and so few books about it.

Even if you’re the dad of a younger daughter, check out this book, and it will absolutely convince you of how important you are to your daughter’s future.

Schools and Girls and Boys

It seems like this week is book week on this blog! I’ve been waiting for years to see if there would be a new edition of the classic book Failing at Fairness by the groundbreaking gender equity researchers Dr Myra Sadker and Dr. David Sadker. Well, it has arrived.

Called Still Failing at Fairness: How Gender Bias Cheats Girls and Boys in School and What We Can Do About It, the book tackles the ways that gender bias (intentional and unintentional) are stifling girls AND boys in classrooms from pre-school to college. Plus, the authors (who now also include Dr. Karen Zittleman) provide solid suggestions for teachers, administrators, parents and policymakers to fix the problems and improve learnng for our sons and daughters.

I have little patience for the arguments asserting that gender equity is old news, not longer a problem, or that it shortchanges boys by giving girls special treatment. To ignore gender in education is like trying to teach with a blindfold on. In some esoteric, ivory tower debate somewhere, that might sound like a good idea—but in practice it’s pretty dumb.
Anyway, I encourage you to read this book—it’s very readable and has tons of material that’s incredibly useful for parents.

Parenting Is a Contact Sport

Can you build a relationship with your children which is so strong that nothing will sever it? Psychologist Joanne Stern thinks you can.

Stern has written the book Parenting Is a Contact Sport: 8 Ways to Stay Connected to Your Kids for Life (just released this week) telling how you can make 'real' contact with your kids, forming an unbreakable bond that makes you the person they want to share with, from toddlerhood to the teen years and beyond. She believes that this approach gives you the opportunity to guide and counsel your kids in every phase of their lives.

I had the honor of advising Joanne during the early stages of her writing this book, and I think she makes a very compelling case. You can learn more at www.ParentingIsAContactSport.com.

Can Men Prevent Child Abuse?

April is child abuse prevention month, which prompts this question: how often do we think of men as central figures in promoting kids’ safety?

This morning, I was reading the Minnesota Fathers and Families network blog (http://www.mnfathers.org/blog/?p=13), which had some answers to the question:

We hope that all men from all walks of life will take steps to become lifelong advocates for children’s safety.The safety of children has always been a principal role of fathering. For generations and across cultures, men have stepped up to be the protector of the family — providing safeguards against the forces that would cause harm. Most fathers take pride in ensuring safety against poverty, against disease, against hunger, and against violence.

During the month of April, we honor these men for building safe havens in their homes and in their communities.

However, all too often, our culture, media, and family structures, also create environments that enable men to be the cause of harm. When violence is glorified or quietly accepted, we all share in the esponsibility for causing pain. It is for this reason that MFFN is spreading the message that healthy men are central elements for creating safety for our kids.

Throughout this Child Abuse Prevention Month, we encourage fathers and father-figures to advocate for child safety. We challenge you to speak up against words of violence and to step in when children are in danger. Healthy fatherhood demands no less.

For more information about Child Abuse Prevention Month, visit Prevent Child Abuse Minnesota at www.pcamn.org.

So, here’s another question: what are you doing to expect and ensure that dads, stepdads and other men are central figures in promoting kids’ safety?

“They’ll let any [expletive deleted] be a father.”

I think every prospective parent should watch the movie Parenthood before getting pregnant. The film could easily be called Fatherhood, since the main character is a dad. That movie makes clear some central truths about fathering:

1. It is like a roller coaster.
2. While you can’t guarantee how your actions will affect your children, You can guarantee that your actions do affect your children.

My favorite line from Parenthood is when Keanu Reeves’ character Tod says, “You need a license to buy a dog or drive a car. Hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they’ll let any [expletive deleted] asshole be a father.”

With that bit of earthy humor Tod explains the biggest dilemma a father faces: No one trained me for this job. My daughter doesn’t come with an operator’s manual, plug-and-play attachments, or downloadable upgrades.

Despite this, dads today have more freedom than ever to take “nontraditional” approaches to fathering. Many men take time away from their careers to stay home with their children while their partners return to the workplace. Other men work part-time or telecommute so they can commune with the kids every possible moment. Some men even teach HeadStart and early childhood parent education classes!

In other words, you don’t have to father the same way your father or grandfather did. You can be your own kind of Dad. That opportunity is liberating and exciting, but can also be disconcerting. After all, it’s harder to find examples to follow when you’re doing things in a new way.

Fortunately, nature provides tools that you may not yet be conscious of. For example, from the moment of birth, you and your baby can instinctively communicate with each other, even though it’ll be a year or more before she uses words.

In his book The Collected Wisdom of Fathers, my favorite fathering author Will Glennon, a dad’s biggest challenge isn’t mastering the “proper” way to change a diaper or teach your kid to read. The biggest challenge is to set aside obsolete attitudes about a father’s role and to begin fathering from our hearts. That means becoming conversant in the sometimes foreign language of emotion.

Communicating our love to our children and acknowledging their importance in our life is an undertaking of enormous significance, for our children, for our own well-being, and for generations of fathers yet to come. Historically and socially, we are conditioned to be able to put aside our feelings in order to fight. Now the purpose for which we must fight is to become fully engaged with our feelings in order to reinstate ourselves in our proper place in our children’s lives. The effort requires courage and determination, for this is new territory, an area in which we will no doubt make mistakes.

Part of fathering is teaching our children important tasks. But the heart of fathering is nurturing the psychological, emotional, and spiritual connection between us and our kids.

As we attempt to father well, we make mistakes, some of which will seem pretty dumb. Let’s face it, a few of them actually will be dumb. But we can’t let our mistakes stop us, any more than your infant will let her “mistake” of falling down keep her from learning to walk—even if the culture magnifies our mistakes.

Learn more about fathering daughters in Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand, and Support Your Daughter.

Silence is Optional

Men today are longing to have good relationships with their children. But there have been generations of silence about what it means to be a father. We didn’t hear our own dads talk about it.

At my fathering workshops the most moving moment is when I ask, ‘How many of you feel like you’ve been changed as a man by having this daughter? Stand up if you can tell me one or two or three things that are different for you.’ Everyone in the room stands.

Then I ask, ‘Stand up if your father ever spoke to you about how he was changed as a man by you being his child.’ Often no one stands, and rarely more than 3 men stand. That’s a very emotional moment.

So many of us dads never heard anything on the subject from our own fathers. That’s really sad. However, it’s also an opportunity to break that cycle of silence, and talk to other fathers (including our own) about it.

In the process of writing my book Dads & Daughters®: How to Inspire, Understand and Support Your Daughter, I conducted in-depth interviews with about 130 men across the US, and corresponded with hundreds more. Women are always startled to learn that fully half of these men said I (a perfect stranger) was the first person they’d ever talked to in depth about fatherhood. Me aren’t surprised, because we’re so accustomed to father silence.

The good news? With only a handful of exceptions, the fathers I interviewed were articulate and passionate; we have a lot to say about the experience and importance of being a dad. And while all of that had gone unspoken until the moment of our interview, those men and I quickly learned there’s real power in asking.

The Art of Giving and Asking

Each family has a heritage of how we give to others and how we ask for what we need.

Below is the last series of questions to help you and your daughter talk about the art of giving and asking. It was inspired by Rich Snowden of California, a life coach and Daughters.com fan.

You and your daughter should write down your answers to these questions on separate pieces of paper. Then, share you answers with each other and then ask (don’t preach) and talk to learn more.

When asking for help, did you ever feel obligated to give up something important to you—even if the other person didn’t explicitly ask you to? Describe what you did and how it felt.

How has your giving and asking for help changed or developed over time? Why has it changed?

Do you give mostly with your head or your heart? Or both?

How do you make your decisions about giving and asking for help? Do you plan ahead?

Do you give or ask for help in the moment when something inspires you? Both?

Use the comment section below to share some of the insights you’ve gained about your daughter—and yourself—by pondering the art of giving and asking--and consider giving a gift of New Moon Girls to a girl you care about!

Relationship Abuse

Recent news about singer Chris Brown prompted our friends at Jewish Women International to send this reminder--which is a good one for us dads and stepdads to remember:

Relationship abuse can affect anyone – regardless of age, race, gender, religion or sexual orientation. It’s an all-too-common nightmare where words and fists leave emotional and physical scars, and in the most extreme cases, some victims never wake up.
Have you talked with the teens in your life about dating abuse?
One in five teens in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner, and nearly half of all tweens (ages 11-14) say they know friends who have been verbally abused (called stupid, worthless, ugly, etc.) by a dating partner.

It’s never too early; talk with the teen in your life today.